Psalms that keep me going...

I dunno if this is hereditary or just another sad impact of modern day stress but, for the past two years, I've been trying to win my battle with hyperventilation syndrome. I've been to five different doctors already and the only thing they've said is that the syndrome is something that only "resides in the mind." One cardiologist even kidded that he's not saying that I'm crazy but, usually, it is fear that would trigger hyperventilation.

Because of this, I began reading inspirational books that would inspire me to be more positive and conquer my fear of being alone. I guess my list of favorite books in my profile would say otherwise. I guess I would have to edit my list after this entry because, for some reasons, I forgot to include my favorite book of all time: the Bible.

For those who are waging the same battle that I have, allow me to share with you two chapters in the Bible which never fail to remind me to have more faith in God and myself. These two chapters are like my "shock absorbers" whenever I'm down because of insecurity and, again, because of fear. I hope and pray that, in due time, this "jail" created by fear in us will be finally demolished by God so we could enjoy life more and be able to serve God by using the gifts He had given us. God bless us all...

Psalms 121: 1-8

The Lord Our Protector

I look to the mountains;

where will my help come from?

My help will come from the Lord,

who made heaven and earth.

He will not you fall;

your protector is always awake.

The protector of Israel

never doses or sleeps.

The Lord will guard you;

he is by your side to protect you.

The sun will not hurt you during the day,

nor the moon during the night.

The Lord will protect you from all danger;

he will keep you safe.

He will protect you as you come and go

now and forever.

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Psalms 139: 1-24

God's Complete Knowledge and Care

Lord, you have examined me and you know me.

You know everything I do;

from far away you understand

all my thoughts.

You see me, whether I am working or resting;

you know all my actions.

Even before I speak,

you already know what I will say.

You are all around me on every side;

you protect me with your power.

Your knowledge of me is too deep;

It is beyond my understanding.

Where could I go to escape from you?

Where could I get away from your presence?

I went up to heaven, you would be there;

if I lay down in the world of the dead,

you would be there.

If I flew away beyond the east

or lived in the farthest place in the west,

you would be there to lead me,

you would be there to help me.

I could ask the darkness to hide me

or the light around me to turn into night,

but even darkness is not dark for you,

and the night is as bright as the day.

Darkness and light are the same to you.

You created every part of me;

you put me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because you are to be feared;

all you do is strange and wonderful.

I know it with all my heart.

When my bones were being formed,

carefully put together in my mother's womb,

when I was growing there in secret,

you knew that I was there -

you saw me before I was born.

The days allotted to me

had all been recorded in your book,

before any of them ever began.

O God, how difficult I find your thoughts;

how many of them, they would be

more than the grains of sand.

When I awake, I am still with you.

O God, how I wish you would kill the wicked!

How I wish violent people would

leave me alone!

They say wicked things about you;

they speak evil things against your name.

O Lord, how I hate those who hate you!

How I dispise those who rebel against you!

I hate them with a total hatred;

I regard them as my enemies.

Examine me, O God, and know my mind;

test me, and discover my thoughts.

FInd out if there is any evil in me

and guide me in the everlasting way.

These dreams....

They say dreams are our subconscious thoughts; things/people/ideas/events we've been trying to remove from our memory but would resurface on different forms during our sleep. Symbols in our dreams are sometimes the last thing and/or person we've thought about before closing our eyes for slumber.

Hah, I don't even know where to begin... I guess I should start a dream diary for dreaming almost every day (yes, I dream during the day because I'm on a graveyard shift) and because I can still remember vivid dreams every since my adolescent years. What makes it weird is that, looking back, what seemed to be mere "objects" in my dreams are now here with me in real life. Sounds like astral projection or maybe time travel? I honestly dunno. Let me share some of that to you...

If I can recall it right, I had this dream about 6 years ago. Considering my status back in 2002, I was on my last school year in college, no kid yet, and I can say that this was the most "trying" part of my life. I guess the highlight would be the most difficult relationship I've handled (so far... hehehheh..)

The dream was like this: Everything seemed to be in black and white. I was entering a small gate and what's in front of me is a small garden. On it's far left side is a swimming pool. A big white house stood just at the edge of the garden. As soon as I passed by the gate, I saw two kids playing together: a girl and a boy. The girl looked like she's already 6-8 years old while the boy is 4 years old. The girl was wearing a Sunday dress and since my dream was in black and white, her dress looked white. The boy was wearing a white shirt and black pants. Upon approaching them, I asked: "Where's daddy?" The girl answered: "He's up there in your room, mommy." When I looked to where the girl is pointing at, I saw a silhouette of a man. He's standing behind a waving curtain; it appeared like his form is looking at me. He's inside a room; his window is just above where I was standing. He's tall (would resemble a height of 5'7-5'9) and seemed thin, somewhat slouchy. He was wearing a short polo; his hair was set semi-brushed up. I stared at him for about 5 seconds... then I woke up.

Here's another: I dreamt of a boy. He looked like he's only 3-4 years old. He was wearing a white sando and in shorts. It was as if we're standing somewhere grassy. It even looked like we're near my favorite tree in UP's Sunken Garden. All he did was give me a very big, gummy smile. No sound at all in that dream. I stared at him for about 5 seconds then I woke up. It was a very short dream and I think this happened just some months after the dream I wrote above.

Thinking about them now, a part of me is saying that I've already met the guy behind the curtain and the little boy in my second dream. I won't tell much of the guy yet because I'm not even sure where I stand in his life (bwehehehehh..) But what's giving me the creeps is that little boy in my second dream looked so much like my son. I gave birth to Kian on February of 2004 but I had the dream in 2002. It really feels so weird.

I still have a lot of dreams to tell but these two are the "weirdest" so far. I don't even know if we can apply logic but if you know how to interpret them, please help me. From what I can remember, I wasn't thinking of any guy or any little boy before I had those dreams. I wasn't even thinking of having my own family. I even tried finding explanations on dream dictionaries but I got no luck. So there... I feel like a ghost with an unfinished business... hhehehehehe...