Psalms that keep me going...

I dunno if this is hereditary or just another sad impact of modern day stress but, for the past two years, I've been trying to win my battle with hyperventilation syndrome. I've been to five different doctors already and the only thing they've said is that the syndrome is something that only "resides in the mind." One cardiologist even kidded that he's not saying that I'm crazy but, usually, it is fear that would trigger hyperventilation.

Because of this, I began reading inspirational books that would inspire me to be more positive and conquer my fear of being alone. I guess my list of favorite books in my profile would say otherwise. I guess I would have to edit my list after this entry because, for some reasons, I forgot to include my favorite book of all time: the Bible.

For those who are waging the same battle that I have, allow me to share with you two chapters in the Bible which never fail to remind me to have more faith in God and myself. These two chapters are like my "shock absorbers" whenever I'm down because of insecurity and, again, because of fear. I hope and pray that, in due time, this "jail" created by fear in us will be finally demolished by God so we could enjoy life more and be able to serve God by using the gifts He had given us. God bless us all...

Psalms 121: 1-8

The Lord Our Protector

I look to the mountains;

where will my help come from?

My help will come from the Lord,

who made heaven and earth.

He will not you fall;

your protector is always awake.

The protector of Israel

never doses or sleeps.

The Lord will guard you;

he is by your side to protect you.

The sun will not hurt you during the day,

nor the moon during the night.

The Lord will protect you from all danger;

he will keep you safe.

He will protect you as you come and go

now and forever.

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Psalms 139: 1-24

God's Complete Knowledge and Care

Lord, you have examined me and you know me.

You know everything I do;

from far away you understand

all my thoughts.

You see me, whether I am working or resting;

you know all my actions.

Even before I speak,

you already know what I will say.

You are all around me on every side;

you protect me with your power.

Your knowledge of me is too deep;

It is beyond my understanding.

Where could I go to escape from you?

Where could I get away from your presence?

I went up to heaven, you would be there;

if I lay down in the world of the dead,

you would be there.

If I flew away beyond the east

or lived in the farthest place in the west,

you would be there to lead me,

you would be there to help me.

I could ask the darkness to hide me

or the light around me to turn into night,

but even darkness is not dark for you,

and the night is as bright as the day.

Darkness and light are the same to you.

You created every part of me;

you put me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because you are to be feared;

all you do is strange and wonderful.

I know it with all my heart.

When my bones were being formed,

carefully put together in my mother's womb,

when I was growing there in secret,

you knew that I was there -

you saw me before I was born.

The days allotted to me

had all been recorded in your book,

before any of them ever began.

O God, how difficult I find your thoughts;

how many of them, they would be

more than the grains of sand.

When I awake, I am still with you.

O God, how I wish you would kill the wicked!

How I wish violent people would

leave me alone!

They say wicked things about you;

they speak evil things against your name.

O Lord, how I hate those who hate you!

How I dispise those who rebel against you!

I hate them with a total hatred;

I regard them as my enemies.

Examine me, O God, and know my mind;

test me, and discover my thoughts.

FInd out if there is any evil in me

and guide me in the everlasting way.

These dreams....

They say dreams are our subconscious thoughts; things/people/ideas/events we've been trying to remove from our memory but would resurface on different forms during our sleep. Symbols in our dreams are sometimes the last thing and/or person we've thought about before closing our eyes for slumber.

Hah, I don't even know where to begin... I guess I should start a dream diary for dreaming almost every day (yes, I dream during the day because I'm on a graveyard shift) and because I can still remember vivid dreams every since my adolescent years. What makes it weird is that, looking back, what seemed to be mere "objects" in my dreams are now here with me in real life. Sounds like astral projection or maybe time travel? I honestly dunno. Let me share some of that to you...

If I can recall it right, I had this dream about 6 years ago. Considering my status back in 2002, I was on my last school year in college, no kid yet, and I can say that this was the most "trying" part of my life. I guess the highlight would be the most difficult relationship I've handled (so far... hehehheh..)

The dream was like this: Everything seemed to be in black and white. I was entering a small gate and what's in front of me is a small garden. On it's far left side is a swimming pool. A big white house stood just at the edge of the garden. As soon as I passed by the gate, I saw two kids playing together: a girl and a boy. The girl looked like she's already 6-8 years old while the boy is 4 years old. The girl was wearing a Sunday dress and since my dream was in black and white, her dress looked white. The boy was wearing a white shirt and black pants. Upon approaching them, I asked: "Where's daddy?" The girl answered: "He's up there in your room, mommy." When I looked to where the girl is pointing at, I saw a silhouette of a man. He's standing behind a waving curtain; it appeared like his form is looking at me. He's inside a room; his window is just above where I was standing. He's tall (would resemble a height of 5'7-5'9) and seemed thin, somewhat slouchy. He was wearing a short polo; his hair was set semi-brushed up. I stared at him for about 5 seconds... then I woke up.

Here's another: I dreamt of a boy. He looked like he's only 3-4 years old. He was wearing a white sando and in shorts. It was as if we're standing somewhere grassy. It even looked like we're near my favorite tree in UP's Sunken Garden. All he did was give me a very big, gummy smile. No sound at all in that dream. I stared at him for about 5 seconds then I woke up. It was a very short dream and I think this happened just some months after the dream I wrote above.

Thinking about them now, a part of me is saying that I've already met the guy behind the curtain and the little boy in my second dream. I won't tell much of the guy yet because I'm not even sure where I stand in his life (bwehehehehh..) But what's giving me the creeps is that little boy in my second dream looked so much like my son. I gave birth to Kian on February of 2004 but I had the dream in 2002. It really feels so weird.

I still have a lot of dreams to tell but these two are the "weirdest" so far. I don't even know if we can apply logic but if you know how to interpret them, please help me. From what I can remember, I wasn't thinking of any guy or any little boy before I had those dreams. I wasn't even thinking of having my own family. I even tried finding explanations on dream dictionaries but I got no luck. So there... I feel like a ghost with an unfinished business... hhehehehehe...

Kian's medley

Kian singing some songs from different TV shows he watch. I used the cell phone to make him stop crying that's why there are times he's wiping his nose while the "camera" was rolling...heheheh... Ang bilis lumaki ng mga bata! He's now 4 years old but he was only 2 years old when this was taken. Enjoy!

Laughing trip with Kian

Kian was almost 3 years old on this video.

The good ol' CBCi days...

How i wish we can go back to those happy times with our friends..... haaayyyy... Oh well, people come and go... =)

What a Quality!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday was just record breaking! I don't mean anything that's Guinness material but I think God tested my patience in terms of coaching people as part of my job description. I have always been cool about giving my best practices on this line of work but yesterday's session gave me a new taste of you-can-never-please-everybody thingy. Let me provide you some details. Here we go...

Let's just call her Leila. She happens to be one of the earlier batches of employees in the account I am supporting. Having been an employee of this company for three years and some months, it's already imprinted in my consciousness (or may be up to my subconscious level!) that, if you're gonna coach somebody who's been taking calls for this department longer than your stay (in short, more tenured than you), they would most likely challenge the depth of your product knowledge and/or judgements. Now Leila happens to get a zero score during one of our calibration sessions with her supervisor. The calibration session is intended to measure the variance of the Quality Team's scoring (the team I belong to) with the supervisors handling such department. This way, we can be sure that our judgements are pretty much uniform in terms of marking off agents on a specific behavior or line item. Then whenever an agent gets a zero score, we need to do coaching for him/her so the reason for getting that low score will be right away adjusted or corrected. Going back to Leila, before I even approached her, she's already aware that she got a zero. Usually, coaching sessions would start by letting the agent listen to the call so they would remember what took place on it then the discussion will follow. I've wanted Leila to listen to her call first but she insisted to know the markdowns first because she can just listen to the call later. Hmmmm...

As part of my routine, I would set the agent's expectation about why he/she is being coached. For Leila, I told her that the decision of giving her a zero on that call is not purely from the Quality Team but as a collaboration with her supervisor. I told her the reasons why she got a zero and how she got the other markdowns then recommended what she could have done to avoid them. Now here comes Leila's defenses....

According to her, we (the Quality Team) should consider what's really happening to her on the floor while she's taking that call. We ought to know what tools/windows she's actually using to cater to that customer. (Honestly, while she's saying that, I was thinking: "You mean I need to know if your eating, sleepy, chatting with someone else, surfing non-work related sites, etc.. while you're taking that call!?!??! Geesshhh...I don't think we have a spy camera on your station for us to capture that!) Being a humane person that I am, instead of laughing my *ss out, I explained to her that the only concrete basis that an evaluator can have is what came out or what was heard on their call. What we are auditing are recorded calls, not live calls, so there's no way for us to know what tools/windows they have actually used. To lighten the mood, I even kidded that we only have our ears to use for our judgements. Then for her to have a better understanding of the call we're talking about, I insisted for her to listen to it before we end the session. She even asked for the paper where I wrote down all her markdowns which I unhesitantly lent to her.

Being a cunning person that she is, it occurred to me lately that the reason why she borrowed my paper while listening to the call is because she will be able to closely watch out for the reasons of her markdowns then think of ways to contest each one of them! I got that idea after talking to a teammate who's gotten used to her angsts during coaching. Damn agent! Since my realization came in late, she did manage to contest all the reasons for her zero. She even made me listen to some parts of the call that will justify her claims. But of course, her defenses were so far fetched! What I mean is, she explained that she didn't mean to do the "mortal sins"; the evaluators just have a different way of interpreting them! The extreme part was when she reiterated that she didn't confirm anything to the caller when she said "uh huh" after the caller's inquiry. For example, the caller asked: "Have you taken your lunch?" Then the agent went: "Uh huh, uh huh!" For her, that's not saying "yes". In my head, I was thinking: "So it's just a senseless noise!??!?!" Wahhahahahahaha!!!!!!!! Damn it. I told her that we have to consider the caller's CONCRETE reaction after she used those fillers. If she had listened closely, the customer literally replied with "Okay!" after she said "uh huh." Even a fifth grader would understand that the filler was taken as a YES by the caller!!!!!!!!! And it so happened that she confirmed a wrong information to the customer which is a big NO, NO in terms of quality, thereby giving her a zero score. But in spite of all my explanations, she's still contesting the score and she went shouting on the floor: "What a Quality, what a Quality!!!!!!!!!!!"

Now that she started acting difficult to me, I involved her supervisor in our discussion. I made her RECALL that the zero didn't come mainly from my team because it was a calibration with her supervisor. After me saying that, all her wits came back to her.... and her face mellowed from an angry b*tch to an angel. I made a quick review to her supervisor so she can recall the recording we have used on the calibration. As sneaky and witty as a fox, the supervisor made her understand that the zero came from Operations and the Quality Team; it was reiterated that what she's claiming are hasty generalizations and created a negative setting of the customer's expectation; even them, the supervisors, will never have a way to know their condition and what tools they've used while handling a call; to be concrete with our judgements, we base our observations using the client's set of guidelines and with the customer's reaction about the information they have provided. As scared as a rat, Leila just bowed her head and agreed. Wehehehehehhe....

Lessons of the day? There's really no gain in questioning authorities without consideration to the set of measures they are using. We can never bullsh*t our way to success; we need to follow certain laws! If a guideline is questionable to you, we have a set of process in correcting them; you'll never get results by merely whining and publicly contesting them! Always remember: "Now, 10 years later, the person who talked and complained is still talking and complaining and still remains in the same position. The person who took the initiative and found solutions has been promoted several times." (by Catherine Pulsifer)

For that, let me end my entry with this: If you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it. ~Anthony J. D'Angelo

Disposable relationship???

I am assuming you're reading this because, just like me, you've had a taste of how relationships are becoming "disposable" these days. Disposable? Just as how it was defined by Merriam, Disposable means "it is designed to be used once and then thrown away." Ouch.

The title of this blog is one of the catch phrases you will find in Joshua Harris' book, "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." According to a friend, this book did "miracles" in their school way back on 2003. Most couples, I mean High School couples, decided to "split" after they have read the book. I am only halfway through reading this precious literature but I have an idea why those people chose or leaned toward breaking up instead. And if my hunch is right, whatever relationship they had at the moment they've gotten hold of this book, the relationship is something close to being "disposable."

Looking back, I am not proud to say that, at this age, I've already had 6 failed relationships. I started being "romantically" involved when I was seventeen and there was a part in my life when I became a serial monogamist (Read my lips: t-h-a-t / w-a-s / t-e-n / y-e-a-r-s / a-g-o !!!). I guess it's because of the bitter truth that we've become living examples of a culture well infected by Hollywood in terms of viewing romance and sex. Of course there's always the issue of parental control but I guess a parent can just do so much.

Considering my experiences of pain and confusion as far as relationships are concerned, I guess Mr. Harris is right in saying that, to protect ourselves from being victims of disposable relationships, we basically need to guard our hearts and make a clear distinction between what feels good and what is good.

Please don't get me wrong. I am not trying to sell Mr. Harris' book. I just find it so helpful in shaping our thoughts about relationship and love. I think anyone who had been infected by the love bug would agree when I say that most people "in love" gets so vulnerable to anything. That's why if we can only learn to guard our hearts from "pollutants" like lust, infatuation, and self-pity, it would be easier for us to focus in establishing FIRST a genuine friendship with people of our same sex especially with the opposite sex. These pollutants can get us off track so easily that's why, just like in physical health, we need enough "antibodies" or protection to steer clear from them. What are these "vaccines"? First, make your parents part of your team. It's really a big mistake to count our parents among our "enemies" when establishing a boy-girl relationship. Give it a try and you'll be surprised with the wisdom they can share in every step of your way to make that relationship meaningful and successful. Secondly, check out the guy on the cross. Start counting Him as your ally or buddy. I am very sure that with Him beside you all the way, nothing will ever go wrong.

Sounds so easy, right? Well, sure enough, you'll forget all about these once you've come face to face with a very handsome guy (or a very sexy girl in a man's perspective). It could have been better if man is designed not to get attracted to any of its kind. But then again, following Mr. Harris' simple rule on the book, I hope it would ever occur to everyone, especially to those who still belong to the youth crowd, that "the joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment." There is something about our parents' warning about not getting involved too much romantically so quickly. But if you really feel ready for this kind of commitment, are you getting into to it because "you love the person because you need him OR you need the person because you love him?" Sounds like a line in a Tagalog movie, eh? But that is usually the hard fact. We sometimes subconsciously "love" the person because of personal, selfish reason. It's always about what the person can do to us and not what we can do or give to that soul.

I am not trying to be a moralist here but I guess what I just want to tell everybody is for us to be more of a giver than a receiver when establishing relationships. I would also like to emphasize that certain actions, specifically physical intimacy, is not something we ought to do and display at a very onset of a relationship. It takes a certain "stage" before we should consider sharing different parts of ourselves so that, if it would ever come to a point that each person realizes they are not "meant for each other", both of them will not have to suffer the feeling of guilt and the pain of separation doesn't have to be devastating. Considering the current dating trend of our society today, I still quiver at the sight of two very young people doing PDA at almost every corner of the mall, fastfood restos, and even in PUVs. Sure it looks sweet but, most of the time, the expression is just plain physical. It's awfully very shallow. We can keep on blaming media for the influence but I believe it's high time for us to look deep in ourselves and may be ask what we have contributed for a relationship to become like plastic --- a one-time use only.

With this, I dare you to do a little soul-searching and think how a disposable relationship had changed and affected you. Speaking for myself, six failed relationships are enough for me to realize that even matters of the heart entail different phases and with each phase comes a certain degree of responsibility on how we lead the other person to his/her personal growth. At this point, and with a great deal of help from Mr. Harris' book, I can say that a relationship should not just be between two people; there has to be a THIRD PARTY! It should be shared by a man and a woman with the guy on the cross in front of them. ;-)

Let me share with you this quote from "Soul Stories" by Gary Zukav. I hope this helps you UNLEARN then RELEARN stuffs about our hard-to-tame hearts:

"Spiritual Partnership... The new female and the new male are partners on a journey of spiritual growth. They want to make the journey. Their love and trust keep them together. Their intuition guides them. They consult with each other.They are friends. They laugh a lot. They are equals. That is what a spiritual partnership is: a partnership between EQUALS for the purpose of spiritual growth."


God bless!!

Life is a taxi...

"Life is a taxi, the meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still."


Let's make a little back track. I happen to have a little "ritual" before I start working. For somebody like me who's been on a graveyard shift for four years now (and still counting), I badly need some pinch of motivation to perk up my sleepy nerves so the whole eight hours won't be so excruciating. Since 2006, I am subscribed to Kerygma to get a daily dose of inspiring emails that will remind me of my Christian duties and responsibilities. This actually helps me a lot to avoid being irate when I was still taking in calls. Now that I'm just monitoring calls, the Bible verses helped me achieve the integrity I need in my job and also consider the impact of my judgements to the lives of our frontliners.

Suddenly, or perhaps due to the first-day-of-the-week lethargy, my emo-gination took me back to one of my grade school days wherein we design our blackboard with an inspiring Biblical quote which aims to set a God-centered day for all the students. So I thought: "Why don't I try that?"

So instead of literally designing a board (or perhaps the blank wall beside me!) I would search first for a good site containing inspiring quotes that will mirror my current personal life (love life, career, etc., just about anything that's giving me the depressing creeps) so I would rather dwell on improving myself than being dragged by mood swings. I would use the quote as my IM status message so it will also ring some bells to my contacts (and yes, it did!)

Then, I saw that line (please see above.. bweheheheh) from Lou Erickson (who's reputation I have to find out later) and it just hit something in me; "something" because I don't know yet exactly if it's my ego or may be I'm in denial that I still have procrastination running through my veins. Perhaps stubbornness? Could it be I'm just being me? Hmmm...


People close to me (especially those who have been witnessing my life's chapters since 1997) have labeled me as stubborn just because there are so many "pending" things about me. I was not able to finish my studies for some reasons I can only tell a handful... but that's not equally saying that I won't go back to school anymore. I am a single mom because of some obvious legal reason ... but that doesn't mean I don't believe in marriage anymore. I guess to make a long story short, most stereotypical people find me 'stranded'; but in my personal opinion, I just opted to follow or dance to the beat of my own drum. Does that make me stubborn?

For sure there are some souls who are sharing the same sentiments that I have. The aforementioned line or quote is just a reminder to me that my "meeeeeter" would go on ticking but that doesn't mean delays are equal to under-achievements. I just hope that some people would stop and think first before judging people whom they perceive as "losers" using their own pathetic measures. Eventhough we are living in the same planet doesn't mean we need to lead the same kind of life. Is it not plain and simple enough that we came from different mothers because we have unique genes and capacities?

Go, my meter, and don't stop ticking. The miles I will cover will show the whole world that I was NEVER stranded. It only takes a non-judgmental eye to see and wonder the roads I have crossed.

Let me just end this with another quote: "Life is like riding a bicycle. You don't fall off unless you plan to stop peddling."